To Work, or Not to Work

by Sara

After I had my first child, I wanted to quit my job. I couldn’t imagine leaving my three-month-old baby with a stranger. Work just seemed so unimportant at the time. But I did go back to work after maternity leave and I am so glad I did. I wish I knew then, what I knew now — that working is fulfilling, motivating and has helped me to be a better mom. Like me, so many new moms struggle with this life decision, to work, or not to work. Choosing to go back to work is a very personal, emotional and for many, a financial decision — and this new study illustrates the stress that it puts on moms.

NerdWallet​, the leading personal finance advisory site, polled pregnant women and moms with teenage children, and asked them both similar questions related to financial fears surrounding motherhood. The findings were eye-opening:

• 48.9% of expectant moms struggle with the decision of whether to go back to work as soon as possible or stay home with their child.
• In retrospect, 27.2% of moms of teenagers wished that they had stayed at home as long as they could with their child, while only 6.2% of respondents wished that they had gone back to work as soon as possible.
• Both groups of mothers agreed on one financial issue: the choice to go back to work for additional income is the number one reason they fight with their spouse.

“Couples face a Catch-22 choice to pay for daycare now or pay for college later,” said Farnoosh Torabi, a correspondent at NerdWallet. “The financial pressures at each end of a parent’s journey to raise their children are growing.”

Clearly, finances are among the top “stressers” when having children. The difficult decison to stay at home competes with the desire to continue a career and ease the economic fallout of having a child.

Here is an infographic that NerdWallet created to illustrate the rising cost of college for the next 18 years and how much money parents need to save in a 529 account if they’d like to contribute to their child’s education.

This should give every Working Mom a little sense of pride, and piece of mind, knowing we did it and are doing it all — we went back to work, are raising our kids, and contributing to their education.  Go Train Moms!

 

 

The Making of a Good Intern

By Sara

Over the years, I have seen many summer interns come and go, but the intern that left fresh baked cookies and a hand written note on this on my desk today will not be forgotten!

What was your best intern moment? Share @trainmoms #bestintern

Try Planning a Parentmoon

By Sara

You get married… you go on a honeymoon.

You get pregnant…you go on a babymoon.

You have kids…and you go to Disney World.

Sigh!

Ask around. How many couples go away alone without their kids?  I promise you will get answers that sound a lot like this:

“The last time we went away was our honeymoon or before we had kids,”  or “Oh, wow, that sounds nice,” or  “We don’t go away without our kids.”

Why do our lives have to change so much just because we have kids?   Of course money is a huge factor and clearly the vacation funds are now going towards school and mortgage payments, but a parentmoon doesn’t have to be an African safari.  Maybe it is just a “staycation” where you go hiking,  spend a day at the spa, or a night out in the city or at a B&B.

Sometimes the best parentmoons are the ones that are basically planned for you, like destination weddings.  Next time you get invited to one, say YES.  It is a great excuse to go away somewhere you hadn’t planned, plus you get a fun party included (see below our destination wedding trip this summer to the Czech Republic).  Business trips can also make for great parentmoons.   My husband travels to Los Angeles a lot, so I sometimes will fly out there on a Thursday and spend the weekend with him.  Build a weekend around a business trip, and it will feel like a much needed break for the both of you.

We all know how super hard it is to carve out time to just be together, never mind planning a trip….but with a little effort, you can reconnect, laugh, talk and enjoy lots of wine TOGETHER!

 

 

 

10 Surprising Places Moms Get Work Done

by Sara

10 Surprising Places to Get Work Done

Life of a working mom can be hectic to say the least.  We are pretty used to being yo-yo’s, quickly shifting gears from work life to mom life, but what happens when those worlds collide?  We get CREATIVE.  Whether you are working from home, an office, the road, on vacation or taking a day off, we all know the work never stops — but what matters is how creative you can be in order to get the job done.

We polled our fellow Train Mom readers and here are some of the surprising places they get work done.  Have any more to add?  Tweet us @trainmoms #places2work

Top 10 Surprising Places Moms Get Work Done

1) In the school parking lot
2) In the department store fitting room
3) In the gym lobby
4) At the nail salon (pedicures are ideal for a hands free hour).
5) At the playground
6) In the restaurant bathroom
7) At a traffic light
8) On the beach
9) At the hair salon
10) On the train ( but of course)

Who Am I?

by Kim

So this is by no means meant to set off a debate between Working Moms vs. Stay-at-Home moms (because let’s face it, there is NO real winner in that debate)- it’s just an observation I’ve had in trying to juggle both.

I’ve taken a job working for Credit.com, a truly amazing company (and I’m not just saying that b/c they are paying me – but I guess that does help!) they really are a great group of people who value what I can bring to the table. And truth be told, I’ve learned more in the last two weeks than I did in the last 5-years at my last job. BUT there’s a catch, a caveat of sorts – instead of going into the “office” I get to work from home.

As a mom of two little ones, working from home is something I should welcome, fully embrace with open arms, go shouting from the rooftops about – but I’m not quite there yet.

You see the “corporate world” is all I know; it’s ingrained in who I am. For the past 16+ years, I’ve gotten up, gotten dressed, gotten on the train, and gone into the office (well a cubicle, but you understand what I’m saying).

Now-a-days, I get up, throw on some yoga pants and go to my “home office”. No makeup, no “dressing up”, no socialization (unless you count the two days a week my kids are home with me & then its less about socialization and more about playing referee between the two of them) — no lunch meetings, none of the “traditional” things you equate with going to work. I’ve traded my heels for sneakers, Crocs, OR flip-flops – blowouts for headbands and ponytails, and business travel for more time with my family.

Again, I know what you’re going to say, “WHY THE HELL IS SHE COMPLAINING?” and I’m not (really I’m not) I’m just having a hard time figuring out AND redefining who I am.

Don’t get me wrong, there are A LOT of perks to working from home. For starters, I’ve found the kitchen again. No joke, I cooked homemade meals – from scratch, two, sometimes three nights in a row — that’s more than I’ve done in well forever. When I was working full-time outside of the home, I did a lot of heating things up – be it pizza, chicken nuggets, etc.

PLUS, more laundry is getting done, my skin looks better (maybe this “au natural” -NO make up thing is actually good for something?! )AND I’ve gotten some “me” time back by taking longer runs in the morning, and taking the long way to pick up my boys from school –because I have the time now and I’m not living life in perpetual motion (http://2momsonatrain.com/2013/11/12/do-all-moms-live-in-perpetual-motion/)  BUT I am pretty sure the cat hates me being around more; I keep thinking if I could just win her over that would at least be one work “friend“.

I DO NOT have all the answers. All I can tell you is that I’m taking it one day at a time trying to figure out how the new me and the old me can live harmoniously, side by side singing “Kumbayah” by the campfire…WISH ME LUCK, G-d knows I need it!

My New Love: FaceTime

By Sara

There are some days I don’t see my kids at all. I leave for work before they wake up and I get home after they are asleep. It kills me. While I should be used to it by now, I am not. I still get that anxious, empty pit feeling in my stomach.

Today was one of those days. I ran out the door and sat on the train wondering if they were up and wishing I could have been there to see them, even if it is just for a minute. Then it occurred to me, I CAN see them.

When I got off the train, I stood in the middle of Grand Central Station and “Facetimed” my kids (via my babysitter). It was awesome. They were brushing their teeth and getting ready for school, and I was giving them a virtual tour of the train station — which in their eyes was super cool. And they were happy!

I reminded me that we are lucky to be surrounded by technologies that make our lives as working moms that much easier to be right there with our kids — to see what they are wearing, see their artwork, see what they are doing and most of all see their little smiles.

Thanks FaceTime for making my day that much better.

Jobless, but NOT Hopeless!

by Kim & guest contributor Alison Bucalo

 

It’s been two weeks since I got laid off; and though the fog of the past two weeks is slowly lifting (I got an awesome freelance gig!), as part of my own “recovery process” (aka therapy without the “professional”) I began reaching out to friends who had gone through similar experiences; asking them to share their own “survival” stories.

Funny enough, my one friend Alison who wanted to share her own story, had a parallel life to mine.  Alison and I went to high school together, found jobs at the same company, got married around the same time, had two kids — both boys, both around 18-months apart in age, AND both found ourselves laid off, myself after 16-years, Alison after 15-years!

She is now a little over 4-months into the “recovery process” and has started to look at things in a whole new light, something she calls “Jobless, but NOT Hopeless“…

My 20 something were all about my career. Long days, longer nights – I was full of energy and charisma.  Now, I find myself in my late 30s with a little less charisma, a lot less energy and… completely and utterly unemployed.

When I think about being jobless I want to throw up.  You know that feeling, when you’re driving too fast and a cop rolls up behind you. A warm wave of anxiety crashes over you, your heart races, palms sweat… then he pulls around you and you catch your breath. That’s how I feel at least once a day. But, like all unpleasant thoughts, I bury those deep down inside and wait for the breakdown (it hasn’t happened yet but I’m still waiting).

I loved my job. After fifteen years, I was finally where I wanted to be.  I worked hard and didn’t mind the 1 and ½ commute to and from work. I was able to listen to Howard Stern in the mornings, talk to friends in the evenings and get home to kiss my boys goodnight (most of the time).

When I was laid off my first thought was “Holy sh*t! My husband is going to have a heart attack!”  In a moments notice, “what if” had turned into “what now?”  All those hypothetical conversations we had over the years were now a possibility. “We could sell the house and move South,” “My parents could move in and split the mortgage”, “We can get rid of a car”.  Then, I went through a range of emotions – psyched that we had enough money to pay off some debt, sick that my career was over, nervous that our lifestyle would change and invigorated that I could find some new opportunities.  I flipped flopped from carefree to major anxiety. Who am I? What do I do now? How will we live? I reached out to friends, searched for jobs, signed up for Unemployment Benefits and updated my resume. Four months later, I’m still home, we still live in NJ, my parents are 20 minutes away and I still have my own car.  How am I surviving? To be honest, I’m kinda thriving. 

It wasn’t until I was home that I realized a lot goes on between 9am-7pm. The kids, my house, and the laundry need me.  I know, I know, this sounds as glamorous as wearing pajamas to the Oscars but it’s true.  And I promise, I’m not setting women’s lib back decades. It’s just that I’ve learned to appreciate the fact that, although I was good at my job, I’m a mediocre mom and wife… which is AWESOME! 2 out of 3 ain’t bad and who says you have to be good at everything? I’ve learned to appreciate the little things that I’ve overlooked for so long. Although I know I have to go back, I’m taking this precious time I have with my family and enjoying every minute. Soon enough I won’t be able to drop the boys at school, wave them goodbye, hug them when they come home or sit down for a family dinner.  Am I sad about being laid off? No! Like any first relationship, it’s shown me what is important and now I know what I want.  I know now that the next job better be pretty darn great to pull me away from the job I’m doing right now.

 AND REMEMBER WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU, SHARE HOW YOU #SurvivedURLayoff — ON TWITTER (@Trainmoms) OR EMAIL US: trainmoms@gmail.com

Please tell me HOW TO survive a layoff?

by Kim

I was going to call this “Tips for Surviving a Layoff”…sounded like a good title right, but maybe that’s only because  it’s all I seem to Google these days!

I’m tired of being an ostrich. I’m finally taking my head out of the sand to acknowledge that YES, THIS REALLY DID HAPPEN…after 16-years, I got laid off!

Now this working mom of two is knee deep in unchartered territory, visiting semi-foreign lands that include “Self-Doubt Island”, “Sadness City”, “Freak out Mountain”, and the world famous “Anger Apartment Complex” – it’s really too soon to give you my full review of the place, but my first impression tells me I do NOT want to spend a lot of time here!

Funny enough, while charting my “escape route” I somehow managed to take a wrong turn and instead ended up taking a ride on the “Cliche Cafe Carousel” — you know the one where instead of horses you climb aboard the “phrase of the day” which include sentiments such as:

“THIS IS A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”

“NO LOOKING BACK”

“THERE ARE BIGGER AND BETTER THINGS OUT THERE FOR YOU”

and the world famous…“NOW YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU REALLY WANT”

 If it’s not me saying these things to other people, it’s them saying it to me, all while I’m screaming “HELLO, WILL SOMEONE PLEASE STOP THE RIDE, I WANT TO GET OFF NOW!”

For me, it’s truly NOT about looking back, but rather how I MOVE forward.  I’m tired of the regrets, but even more tired of the excuses.  You see, I made a LOT of them in my last job.   I know we all do, it’s how we survive, but I CAN’T even try to count up the amount of times I said “oh sweetheart, give mommy 5-more minutes to send a quick email“…5-minutes which inevitably turned into a 1/2 hour, then an hour…and well you get the picture! If I uttered that phrase LESS than 5 times a night it would be a miracle. And now, I would give anything to get those “5-minutes” back!  However, I CAN’T!  

I can’t take back my past, BUT I CAN take control of my future!

It’s only been a week, but I’ve started:

• TALKING TO EVERYONE I KNOW!  No joke!  Friends,  friends of friends, former colleagues, people I ride the train with, the train conductors themselves,  the guy at the coffee shop, etc…it’s “Networking 101” in its rawest form.  However, I have found that the more I talk about it, the more people are willing to connect me with someone else to talk to.  It’s my own little “Circle of Life”!

• COFFEE/BREAKFAST/LUNCH MEETINGS   “Let’s meet for coffee, breakfast, lunch, insert meal here”… I swear I’m going to gain 10 pounds by the time I land my new job, but something about a meal or even just coffee, takes the pressure off.  SO, I meet with both new and old members of my “Circle of Life”.  In fact, one day I had 3 coffee dates in a row…needless to say I was shaking by the third!

• READING  A close friend of mine has a book out called The Plateau Effect: Getting from Stuck to Success http://bobsullivan.net/the-plateau-effect/ – funny enough before my layoff I was proud of my friend and all of his success, but little did I know how relevant his book would actually be to me!

Now if I could just get over the FEAR…you know the fear of:

• not getting ANOTHER JOB

• of FALLING APART in front of my kids, my husband, my family, my friends (the kid’s teachers, the Verizon wireless consultant – thanks Lindsey wherever you are!)

• of INTERVIEWING (Did I do enough research? Did I really just say that?! Why is he/she looking at me like that? Do I have something in my teeth?)

• of fitting into that INTERVIEW SUIT that I haven’t worn in 16+years (yet another reason I love Spanx!)

• AND most important the fear of LETTING MYSELF DOWN!

I don’t have all the answers, and I don’t ever expect to.  But I will keep you updated on my progress along the way!  And if you’ve been in this “movie” before – let me know how you #SurvivedURLayoff – I’d love to hear from you!

Is “Thank You” the New “Sorry”?

By Sara

Woman in the workplace have been told to never to apologize. Don’t apologize for asking for a raise, don’t apologize for being late or leaving early.  And the research supports it, women apologize more than men.  A recent study published in the journal Psychological Science found that there is definitely a higher frequency of apologizing among women.  According to the study’s lead author Karina Schumann, from the University of Waterloo in Ontario, Canada, “we found that men are just as willing to apologize. It’s just that they have a higher threshold for what bothers them.”  But I am starting to wonder if there are studies on woman saying “thank you” too much.  I think I do.  I find myself thanking the world for doing everything I can’t…. So I wonder if saying thank you is just as bad as saying sorry?

I say thank you to my nanny for taking care of my kids while I am at work.
I say thank you to my staff for holding down the fort at the office when I am home with my kids.
I say thank you to my stay-at-home mom friends who pick-up and drop-off my daughter when I can’t.
I say thank you to my cleaning lady for taking care of my house when I can’t.
I say thank you to my staff for covering for me when I can’t attend meetings.
I say thank you to my doctors for understanding when I constantly switch appointment dates.
I saw thank you to my husband, my mom, and dad for handling things that I never get around to doing.
I say thank you to my boss for giving me the promotion or raise I totally deserve.

Here I am thinking that I was being so tough and never saying I am sorry, yet I have just replaced all my apologies with a big, fat THANK YOU.

And by the way, thank you for reading.

Do you think “Thank You” is just as bad as saying “I’m Sorry”?  share your thoughts below or on twitter @trainmoms using #thankyou.

My Guide To Deciphering Office “Lingo”

by Kim

Ok, working moms out there, this one is for you.

Today, I indirectly got “schooled” on the proper etiquette of office lingo. It turns out that not only have I been doing it wrong all if these years, I’ve truly been failing!!  But today, I got it.  (I finally got it! ) …and after realizing that I‘ve been doing it wrong for SO many years, I’m ready to play the “right” game.

So without further ado, I’m sharing what I call MY GUIDE TO DECIPHERING OFFICE LINGO a.k.a “Office Lingo 101” (a class that should be taught to all graduating college seniors!) …keep it handy, you never know when you might need it.

THE TWO BIGGIES…

• WORKING FROM HOME: As moms, many of us will choose to “work from home” on days when the kids are sick, school is closed, OR the snow is so high you couldn’t even find your car if you tried.  You don’t want to loose a day of work, so you’re thinking I’ll work from home, I can multi-task, a.k.a take care of that sick kid, throw in a load of laundry, AND start the dishwasher, all while listening in AND participating in a conference call. BUT for some reason the word HOME sends a negative image to the people in the office. Many co-workers and bosses see HOME as “that bitch is still in her pajamas and watching TV”!

SO, what I’ve learned, is instead of saying “I’M WORKING FROM HOME TODAY” you should say “I’M WORKING REMOTELY TODAY”.  It’s as if by removing the word HOME, all of a sudden you might actually be working at the Starbucks up the block from your house, and that is SO much more acceptable!

• VACATION: Ahh vacation, I’ve actually written about this before (see: Are You Really Going On Vacation? Yes I AM! http://2momsonatrain.com/2013/06/17/are-you-really-going-on-vacation-yes-i-am/) This was a new one to me, because all along I thought vacation days were a bonus, a selling point to get people into taking a job. However what I’ve learned is vacations are negotiable, viewed by co-workers and bosses as you’re about to have some FUN while I’m stuck in the office.

SO,  instead of saying “I’M GOING ON VACATION”, tell people “I’M GOING TO BE OUT OF TOWN”. Sounds more formal and leaves people guessing too…is she going out of town for fun OR just for a family obligation? Which is definitely not as FUN!

OTHER LITTLE THINGS THAT I HAVE LEARNED ALONG THE WAY..

• You’re NEVER just meeting a friend for coffee/lunch — You are ALWAYS having a coffee/lunch meeting.

• You’re NEVER running out to do an errand (drug store run, stopping to pick up a birthday card, get your eyebrows waxed, etc.)– You are ALWAYS running to the bank.  People never seem to question other people when it comes to money, but g-d forbid you need to pick up Tampons, well, that’s bringing your personal life to the office, which is a no-no!

• Oh, and my favorite, “Let’s all get on a call together”, REALLY MEANS, I don’t want to send an email and put anything in writing because if we get on a call, there is NO physical proof that I said what you say I said!

Like I said, ALL valuable office lesson, and ones I probably should have learned years ago!    So for now, I’m off to go “powder my nose“…BUT in this case, I really do have to pee!